Communication

The problem with communication is that the way we convey our thoughts and feelings must be accepted. Thoughts and feelings lead us to encode a message, we must then find a medium to convey the message, and the other person must decode in order to understand our thoughts and feelings. They must then encode that they understand, find the right medium to tell you, then it is your responsibility to now decode. It is a lot of back and forth but that is what makes us grow closer to people and really get to know them, when we are able to communicate with them effectively.

Another part of communication that can sometimes be looked past is that there are different kinds of communication. Words only actually make up about 14% of our communication. The tone we use is 35%, we really believe someone’s tone over the words they are saying. And finally, nonverbal. Nonverbal communication makes up 51% of our communication and it totally makes sense. When you are talking to someone the look on your face gives away if you are agreeing with them or not. The way you nod, smile, or even stand gives away a lot of how you are feeling.

We often hear people talk about how sarcastic their families are. They may be meaning that their family jokes a lot, laughs a lot, or gets along really well. The problem we face with sarcasm is that there is always a truth and a lie connected to what was said. It is easier to bring up the flaws in another person when you are in a large group and you start to joke about things and make comments. Those sarcastic comments can dig deep into your partner, they may hold onto those tiny bits of truth and maybe even the lies that were thrown in there. Marriages have literally been destroyed over the sarcastic comments made daily that really eat away at a person.

I wanted to quickly go over a communication technique that has changed my view on some things and I look forward to applying to my own marriage and family. This is something that I truly believe would save so many marriages if at least one of the spouses knew how to apply it, it can also be applied to other relationships. This is called the Disarming Technique This is when you put down your weapons and they will eventually follow by putting down theirs. An example of this would be during an argument your spouse is yelling at you and pointing out all of your flaws. You may feel hurt and that you wish to retaliate by yelling back and pointing out their flaws. As you can probably tell, this would only lead to back and forth fighting without getting to a conclusion. During the disarming technique you find a kernel of truth. A kernel of truth is something very small from what they are saying that is true. If while they were yelling at you that you work too late, you respond by saying, “You’re right, I do work late into the night and I’m sorry it has been that way for the past couple weeks”. When you tell them they are right, you pretty much distinguished the fire. Rather than yelling back at them you are willing to admit that they are right. You are able to stop the attack by NOT defending yourself. It sounds tricky, but it also sounds like something that could seriously save your marriage or relationship from the blame game.

Communication is very often listed as a reason for failed marriages and relationships, but if we took the time to understand where the communication is lacking and the techniques we can apply, we will be far ahead and will be able to endure many hard things together.